Swimming through the Holidays.

For four years I’ve had this analogy of grief…. it’s swimming.  Christmas and New Year’s (really any Holiday) bring this analogy to surface.  From September of 2007 to August of 2009, my daughter, mother and grandmother died.  Intially these Holidays were quite ‘drowning’, and occasionally you were able to come up for a big gasp of air.  Shit, sometimes it felt like ankle weights held you at the bottom of a river.  With 2011 Christmas around the corner, I honestly feel like I’m ‘swimming’.  Looking back…. not sure how this hard head stayed above water when it seemed as my generations of girls was gone.  It’s the Trust in His promises, surely.

Believes I’m swimmng because my Holidays are filled with some pretty amazing memories.  Focused on making new amazing memories. Christmas was a huge deal for my parents, who knew how to throw a party.  The Kerek’s house was the ‘place to be’ on Christmas Eve.  My mom always overboard on the food and baking.  My dad always overboard with the bar and gifts.  Both always overboard on the music and dancing.  Maw Ruby dragging us all to Mass, and actually seeing Paw paw William attend Mass : )

The moments are too many to list; the Christmas Eve in my childhood Debate subdivision house where we literally could not move in that tiny living room because of the pool table.  The Christmas morning waking to two 3 wheelers cranked up and running in the hall of our Ruby Rd big house.  The Eve daddy decided to light the fireplace which was filled with bees, which swarmed the house.  The morning my kids woke to his custom made (oh my) welded ‘Swingtastic 5000’.  The very first Christmas with a baby, Brock. The first Christmas with all three kids. That last Christmas with all three kids…. sigh.

This year’s shopping has not begun, so this mom will be accomplishing tons in a short time. Still waiting on a ‘wish list’ from Brock and Luke, but certainly love the surprise of something unexpected under the tree.  Brock is so happy to have his drivers permit and truck, nothing else matters.  Luke wants everything that’s anything. Dru was such the late sleeper of the bunch, but of course was the first one up each Christmas morning, waking the house! Looking forward to waking them this year and hanging out in our pajamas until lunch.  The small moments and conversations with the boys are more important than anything found under that tree.  Thinking I should get my tree up too! Undecided if we will go with the purple ornament’s in Dru’s memory, or traditional. Thinking traditional : )

Randoms; Missing buying for three. 2012 Career goal pumped!. Ready to get this body fit and tone, thru running and tennis. Hopes everyone has a Christmas to include ‘swimming’.

Thanksgiving thoughts….

It seems all our needs are again provided for….  I’m thankful.

– it’s easy to get side-tracked on ‘Wants VS Needs’, at least for me it seems.

Wishes granted we don’t really ‘need’…. I’m thankful.

The amazing gift of each other’s time – clients, family, friends…  I’m thankful.

– gosh, I have some GOOD people in my life.

Great days and days of struggle… I’m thankful.

– thankful for struggles… backward thoughts, yes. But hey, I’m here to enjoy them!

Festivities full of good music, moods, and food… I’m thankful.

– Gosh, I love a fun adult night out!

Laughs, tears, and tight hugs…  I’m thankful.

– oh, the tears come easy for this girl.  That’s perfectly OK.

The blessing and innocence of our children… I’m thankful.

– Brock, Dru, and Luke – what gifts.

Trust in God’s promises and purpose… I’m thankful.

– I’ll get the thousand questions answered one day, yes.

For it all… I’m thankful.

Randoms; would like to be on vacation each Thanksgiving break, being the only girl at home is not fun, focused on 2012 BIG Goals, wants a new tattoo; but will not say what or where… : )

 

Quirks

Not all of us will admit them, but we all have them…. Quirks.  Yes, we’ve all got some quirkiness, oddness, randomness, weirdness, and whimsicalness.  Of all, I’m liking the whimsicalness – afterall, being predictable is kind of boring.  List keep me focused, so here are my list of quirks;

Coffee, Chocolate, and Wine – they are a “must” for me.  A prescription would be needed if these were not available for my consumption.

Music – Kenny Chesney to Nicki Minaj; I listen, appreciate, and love it all.  When the IPods on and earbuds in…. don’t disturb.

Germs – they are everywhere.  I’ve had to see the dermatologist in the past because of excesive hand washing and overuse of wipes.  Bizarre, yes.

Rain – nothing better than enjoying the sounds of a nice rain shower from my front porch.

Outdoors – it’s great to leave all the ‘whys’ and ‘what ifs’ either on the tennis courts, or while pretending to be a runner.  I must start kickboxing at gym… that would clear the mind!

Sleep – need it, must have it, and sometimes it finds me.  When a power nap can be squeezed into a weekend…. I wake feeling like Wonder Woman : )

Optimisim – the glass is ALWAYS half full, problems are simply challenges, and ‘no’ just means ‘not right now’.  This ends up leaving me in tears or disappointed at times….. sigh.

Temper and Impatience – it can be nasty, but very short and done. (thank gosh).

Outspoken – Can you say ‘think before speaking’. Rarely offer a false compliment or what someone wants to hear.  This can be a huge negative, yes not good.  Hey…. but trust is given so blindly free.

Love – when you hear three words; I Love You. They are genuine and sincere.

Randoms; gearing up to tackle Thanksgiving, Christmas Shopping, 2012 Goal Planning for work and home.  Thank God I’m swimming….

 

Why and Miscellaneous….

Miscellaneous – consisting of diverse things or members;

First and foremost… Why am I not sleeping sound? Could it be the coffee I had at St Mark’s Catholic Church tonight?  Cound it be the content of class tonight at St Mark’s? Maybe ‘not enough hours in a day’ I experienced today?  Could it be I’ve spread myself too thin? Can it be the book I’m so wanting to finish.  It’s really OK to say no at times…. really.

Well, tonight was my only godchild, Casey Kerek Broussard’s RCIA class.  I’m sponsoring her (being that I’m a rare Catholic remaining in my family), and it was a great night.  So proud of her and hubby, Landon. Walked out so glad I made this committment.  The Catholic faith is rich in history.  How can someone give up on being a Catholic, when you’ve not given it 110%.  I’ve not given.  The memories of my Maw Ruby dragging 7 grandkids to church fill my mind.  I spent many Saturday morning’s helping her in her nursery…. with the plants and flowers in church.

Why do I not have my boys’s uniform pants? Crazy stupid mom moment.  I did the same exact thing last year. Guessing it’s the pain of shopping; again.  I must do better at this silly chore. Maybe Michael will do clothes shopping?

Why on a work night, Wednesday, do I just want to sit out on the patio by a fire and drink wine? I do have work, appointment’s, and tennis tomorrow.  Dang… must be the Love of wine.

Luke signed up for 4H through school and 4H Shooting Club.  Completely not sure about this, but enjoy his love of outdoors activities. Not sure about the involvement of guns.  But, being the daughter of a former state strooper/chief of police I certainly do not want him to fear guns.  Thinking of doing gun safety myself.

Busy weekend’s ahead with Brock and St Amant High’s band.  On the Northshore this weekend with Slidell’s Band Competition and Lafayette next weekend.  Road Trip!  Brock got his driver’s permit.  Let the worry of a teenage driver begin.  Let the high insurance rates of a teenage driver begin.  Thinking I got the ‘hookup’ on insurance?!

Always wondering what Dru Elizabeth would be doing? Gosh…. she had to serious study to make the grades.  It comes so easy to her brothers.  Like mom, like daughter.  It was always fun and social 1st, grades 2nd!

Our Ascension DBack’s team has wrapped arms around a dad whose health has ‘gone to pot’ in a very short time.  Why does this happen to such good people?  I’m amazed at the generosity and hard work of our parent’s to help in such a stressful time for this family. I’m touched.

Oh, my volunteer work; My family and friends are signing up for LOPA’s (Louisiana Organ Procurement Agency) Run/Walk in Baton Rouge.  Team Dru; Donate for Dru 🙂  CASA (Child Advocacy Services) has it’s annual Playhouse raffle.  The coolest playhouse ever! Every time I think “I’ll take a back seat” with the two….. I just can’t stop advocating for something I’m so passionate about.  Organ donation saves lives. CASA get’s children into safe loving homes.  It’s  just  that  simple. 

Randoms; Run training for spring. NOT Holiday ready.  Discipline.  Urgency! People are in my life at this time for a reason.  I’m so blessed.

The simple things.

The small simple things matter so much.  My simple, but not small list follows;

chocolate, CC’s black coffee, Starbuck’s green tea lemonade, Wendy’s frosty with fries, peanut butter & jelly sandwich with a big glass of ice milk, mac & cheese, red wine, beer over ice, anything Little Debbie (not in this order of course)

A warm big smile, the bigger hideous laugh, firm handshakes, genuine tight hugs, a friends phone call to say “I don’t know what to say, but I’m thinking of you and love you”, and another friends voice mail saying “I knew you would avoid me today and I love you anyway” : )

September’s month end….

baseball (Go Ray’s!) and football (Who Dat!)

running even when absolutely struggled

winning my service game in tennis, with an occasional ACE!

the 4 mile commute to my J.O.B., which is much more than a J.O.B.

sunroof open in the car with radio blarring, singing like noone’s watching. Who cares…

Brock’s love of music. Finding a new artist with him on You Tube. Him sharing songs with me on his IPod. Him ‘calling me out’ on the right lyrics, lol. “Black is Black babe”

Luke still curling up with us on the couch at night. His drive and determination with the Ascension DBacks.  His big fierce brown eyes. He and Michael’s passion for baseball.

New found photos or new shared memories of Dru Elizabeth

CMT’s Top 20 country music countdown

a Sunday with ‘zero’ on the schedule; pj’s, ponytail, and no bra (scary yes)

suntanning

the fortune in a fortune cookie

my horoscope and it’s traits

enjoying the rain

holding someone’s secrets secret

Belle River or Blind River weekends; coffee early on the deck while all sleeps, ‘wide open’ on the jet ski’s, and no cell service at the camps

an adult night in the French Quarter to include a live band and dancing

dresses and pumps make me feel pretty

the whisper of “I love you with all my heart” every night

Randoms; this Blog is harder than anticipated, my house is a disaster inside & out, I do miss my Mom, I miss me & my dad’s old relationship, and I hate cancer

At this time…. September.

At this time…. the month of September is here too soon.

At this time, I’m beyond the “Friday to Friday”, or “month to month”.  I’m “March to September” and “September to March”.  Four years is a long time without your child, yet short.

At this time, I realize my family and friends are pretty damn amazing.  Without them I am nothing. 

At this time, I continue to believe in the power of a smile, and humor in everything.

At this time, think the self-inflicted quilt is gone for good.  God knows if there was anything I could have done to save my daughter, including taking her place, I would have done it. Period.

At this time, when I have days where I feel my Heart is exposed, being trampled on the ground… this is the price we pay for choosing to love someone. What a priviledge – love.

At this time, I will continue to offer conversation to another bereaved parent, because it hurts like a bitch.  I’ll never forget others extending this to me, especially my Maw Maw Ruby.  She said “It always hurts J… YOU manage it”.

At this time, I will stop comparing myself to others.  Loving me, who I am, and incredibly grateful for the special 10 years with Dru Bug. Even the yelling.

At this time, I will allow myself to have good times and happiness.  Dru would want her Mom to be happy, for her brothers and her Daddy.

At this time, I’m realizing a small part of me died with Dru.  My life must move forward.  It’s up to me to make it worthwhile, build those memories, until us girls meet again.

At this time, it’s my pace and it’s not a race.  Please Lord help me respect my pace, and the pace of those I love the most. 

At this time….. September.

The tiny Fleur-de-lis purse

This list is the contents of a tiny Fleur-de-lis purse;

-silver coin purse, with white heart on the front, which contains a $10 bill, two $5 bills, and $5.03 in change. It has a single fading receipt of items totaling $44.47.  This receipt has no store name.  It’s dated September 15th, 2007.

-ink pen

-turquoise and lime green mirror shaped like a flower

-fingernail file; white with pink, purple, and turqoise butterflies

-Purell hand sanitizer with aloe

-Neosporin LT lip treatment

-Wet ‘n’ Wild lipstick #528 very pink

-Covergirl Wetslicks lipgloss #330 pink sequin

-an eye makeup brush

-Neutrogena bronzer #30 sunkissed

-Covergirl cheekers blush #183 natural twinkle

-Claires cosmetics eyeshadow, with nine CRAZY colors

This tiny purse is brown diamond print pattern of Fleur-de-lis. This tiny Fleur-de-lis purse is carefully placed in a special spot in our house.  This is the time of year I go looking through it’s contents. This purse and it’s contents remind me of many great moments. It reminds me of many intimate conversations with it’s owner.  Great moments like how to apply makeup lightly and not look like a clown, how she was so happy to finally get and wear makeup, how she loved painting her nails and toes, how her lips were always chapped, how she was (like her Mom) worried about getting germs, how kissing boys gives germs, and how she loved shopping and having her own money to spend.  The tiny Fleur-de-lis purse belonged to Dru Elizabeth Mayon.  I may not part with it… ever.  This tiny purse brings me smile after smile after smile.

Randoms; The innocence of young children…. sigh. Will I always be this sentimental? Good maybe, bad maybe. “Girls Rule” will never be forgotten.

Love of a Sunday……

It’s my favorite day of the week – Sunday.  A day to sleep in being mass isn’t until 10:30 AM.  A day to dump off a week of worry. A day to actually sit down with Michael and the boys for lunch.  A day to catch up on my dreaded domestic duties.  Gosh, I dread housework.  Give me something to do outside, any day.  A day to squeeze in an extra workout at the gym or extra tennis match.  A day to actually have time to cook something good, while enjoying a couple glasses of wine, all while the Bose plays our favorites.  A day to get my mind “right” on the week ahead.

It’s Michael’s 43rd birthday. He actually hung out with me this morning watching country music video’s and tennis?  On HIS birthday?  Of course, he “ripped” into each artist on CMT’s 20 Greatest Men in country music.  Of course, I believe country music speaks in volume.  Of course, I believe country music has the HOTTEST new artist 🙂  Birthday’s are just another day to him…. I agree some, disagree some.

My precious nephew and niece, Presley and Sami Sheets, walked over to visit.  They do this most weekend’s which works for me.  Presley and I certainly have our little bond. He’s the smartest! Sami Lane certainly touches Michael’s heart.  She is so drama! We are so blessed to be raising kids on the street that we grew up….. quite eventul some days.  It brings back many memories of us four Kerek kids and the three Fontenot kids growing up together, in this small town of Sorrento.  Good people come out of small towns.   Love small town values.  Oh well…. still not sure about this blog. 

Randoms;  Facebook aggravated, are people really being real? and why am I judging (a pet peeeeve) So off track on business goals.  Time to turn up the FOCUS. Brock and Luke’s first week of school was SUCCESS. Yes! Missing Dru Bug terribly.  September has slipped in the back door.

I’m ready to see that yellow bus!

Why oh why do I let “back to school” stress me so much? Could it be the procrastination biting me on the ass.  I mean really? School does start roughly at the same time every year, right?  Is it such a big deal if the boys don’t have new shoes the first day of school? I’m thinking NOT.  Could it be that I despise shopping? Such the buyer,  not the shopper. These people who walk in and out of stores, in and out, only to go back to the original store to purchase – I’m stressing thinking of it.  Online ordering is the ticket.

Brock and Luke make this so dang easy.  Very easy, thank GOSH!  Can’t believe Brock is going into his Junior year of high school.  Go St Amant Gators! (love that he is at my alumni high school).  His schedule looks very scary to me, very. Love his love of the band! Luke going to 5th grade, last year of primary school.  He was intially a little disappointed having to change to the new school, Sorrento Primary.  But after doing open house and the school dedication, I think he will be fine.  My boys are so “go with it”.  I’m so grateful.  Maybe by high school for Luke, Michael will get his East Ascension Spartan.  Big Blue!

Dru Elizabeth would be a high school freshman…. sigh.  Brock and I are just sitting here discussing her in high school.  I’m thinking she would be “in his business” constantly.  Completely in his network of friends, trying to participate in all activities, and running her momma like a fool.  Brock thinks “she would be so cool”.  The first kiss would have happened and I’d want every detail.  Many laughs (and tears) thinking of the “what would she”…..  I know this for sure – her beautiful presence is known each day : )

Randoms; What have I forgotten for school? It’s something. Not ready for the homework grind. Nope. Ready to hear the cannon boom on Friday nights in The Pit. Yes! (what memories)

On your mark, get set… it’s my Blog!

It’s me…. Jada Adele Kerek Mayon!

Not even sure how to begin? I’ve random journaled for years and it’s been so healing.  How comical reading old journals, like the day I wrote wanting five kids? 5 ? Hillarious.  So here goes my Blog…. and we shall see!

Running ‘full speed ahead’ on most days.  Mom, wife, daughter, sister, cousin, friend, insurance agent, volunteer.  Don’t think I’d have it any other way! Always finding humor in any situation. Struggles to keep my thoughts to myself, can be very impatient, somewhat stubborn (driven) and at times the procrastinator.  Small gestures and small moments with my family and friends are treasured.  Focusing on one day at a time…..