When I look at the past, I’ll focus on doing my best to leave it there. Isn’t life meant to keep moving forward? Let’s go with that idea! Like all those quotes say, we shouldn’t let our yesterday define us. So much more to come….
Don’t you ever just want a rewind? You know… those moments in life you want to rewind, repeat, repair, or erase. For me, these moments are many.
Shopping with my dad, as a young girl. He worked so hard to provide for our family.
That 1st kiss – it defined 8th grade, boy/girl party, awkward.
High school – maybe I’d actually study?
College – it sure wouldn’t be a trade degree. I’m still young.
Siblings – the funny, good times, are numerous. Always the baby of the family, and many times unknown child.
Marriage – 24 years….
Parents – Always a daddy’s girl, but miss the conversations avoided with my mom.
Children – What a blessing… their 1st cry in the delivery room. Taking those 1st steps. That deep laugh from the gut. Christmas mornings. School memories. I could go on & on about my children.
Death – loss leaves you feeling totally ‘beat up’… but childlike faith in God’s promises is a certainty. ‘Godwinks’ are a reminder to trust in His promise.
Change – It’s a must. Wish I wouldn’t drag ass at times.
J.O.B. – finally feeling great about having my own business. Thrive on meeting new people.
Running – ready to do it RIGHT. Slow & steady wins the race. Is that how they say that?
Friends – I will no longer provide time for those who can’t find time for me. Harsh, but calling it a resolution.
2014 – A year of making every moment count.
“Life is a series of letting go’s – an “infinite” series of letting go’s. All things in life are given to us on loan. Stand face-to-face with life, learn to let go, and whatever comes our way – success or failure, joy or sorrow, support or betrayal, light or darkness – it all blesses us. Once we have learned to let go, we are prepared for whatever life gives us. And death itself is nothing to be feared.” (Matthew Fox)
I can’t count the number of times in the past 5 1/2 years I’ve read the above quote by Matthew Fox. I think initially, I would read, and read again, and think – “whatever” or “yeah, strap my shoes on, and believe that mess”. Don’t we all need to obesses, vent, or rant about something, sometime, to someone. Yes, we do. It’s natural. Each month of March and September, I find myself questioning letting things be, letting things go….. ranting. My child’s March birthday in Heaven and the September anniversary of her death is so very unnatural. Her death was unnatural.
Watching people microscope small situations and circumstances, argue, causing heartache to others…. I’m like ‘REALLY’! But, knowing others who’ve struggled with cancer for the 20th freaking year in a row…. I’m like ‘WOW’. How humbling….. walk THAT path.
Today, on most days, I’m emotionally tough as nails, thick skinned, emotionally in charge, confident spirtually, drama free, grateful, and capable to simply let things be. We’ve all been chosen for a purpose. One day I’ll have full understanding and own this purpose. It will be totally natural.
Dru Elizabeth’s yell will be very loud. Her hug the tightest… this I trust. Lord, please continue to guide me and teach me to Let Go.
Ok, here goes…. not neccesarily in this order. And, I may change the list to 20 things.
1. Run a half marathon, in a awesome city. Stop just smack talking about the damn thing.
2. Have my own assistant, at my J.O.B.
3. Travel to France and/or Germany.
4. Maintain my ideal weight, without giving up beer. I know…
5. Make Love in the Rain. Yes…
6. Be the best version of me, that appeals to ME.
7. move to the river. Any river.
8. play strategic kick ass tennis.
9. Bake a cake, from scratch, just like my mom.
10. take my boys to NYC on NY Eve.
11. own a Jeep and Jet Ski… matching, preferrably black or red in color.
Where the hell did 2012 go? Can not fathom 2013 is almost here! My small corner of the world has so much happening…. and I’m clueless if time spent blogging complicates the happenings or helps. Facebook as well… Added stress or therapy? We shall see. Let me put more thoughts on this 🙂
Wishing everyone a fantastic New Year! A year full of restored passion to tackle goals, a positive attitude to accomplish what’s stretched out before us, exercise, eating good, playing hard, praying big, childlike trust in God, and less worry. At least that’s my plan!
Randoms; 2013 Look out! I’ve got the visual of this time next year and it looks pretty damn good.
Being a Mom means so much to me… what an incredible blessing. Being a Mom, today…. 5/13/2012.
With Brock – it’s sharing music with him, which includes cranking up the Amp and Bose really, really loud. (of course when his Dad is not home) – teaching him to drive. (and it was painful scary) – listening to him complain about having to work, to put gas in his truck. – talking girls (yes, he needs my ‘take on this’ too). – talking college and careers, and how he wants to go to Cali and “live off the land and play guitar in a bar every night”. – either closing my eyes or holding my nose when entering his slob-kept room. – likes that he wants to tackle some more running. – loved when he looked at me after Sunday’s homily, at St Theresa, and said “wow… that was an intense message” (’cause I got it too). *this message is below.
With Luke – it’s anything outdoors. – that phone call about coming home to throw baseball or go play tennis is awesome. – that his complaints are far and few, about anything. – his excitement about ‘big’ middle school, back at St Amant. – learning that he wants to play sax, like his brother. – that his appetite is stupid huge at times, and he remains 60 lbs. – that he wants his Mom at every event, everything (cherishing that while I can). – wanting to beat his ass as he rolls across the living room on the ottoman, like a super hero, at 11 years old. 11, not two!
With our angel Dru – A pre-Mother’s Day night of bitterness was not totally inappropriate or unexpected about Dru Bug. The Mom’s and daughters in matching outfits, in church actually made me smile… I just want a list of girl things in this paragraph, that’s all.
I hope they ALWAYS remember my reminders; it’s OK to cry, we have bad days, everyone needs somebody at sometime, hug tight, we need church, don’t be lazy at work or school, girls RULE, Mac N Cheese is perfect for dinner, and Icee runs are the best…. 🙂
* Message in the homily, at St Theresa – GOD LOVES ME; with no fine print at the bottom, no clauses, no stipulations, no contracts or 2 year contestability. GOD LOVES ME; with my mistakes, with the stuborness, in my Honda Pilot, just the same as the picture perfect girl in her Porsche. I could go on and on…
Randoms; St Theresa Church will always be special to me. Focus is ON at work. Glad summer has arrived. Time for some scheduled runs and tennis!
I’ve been feeling somewhat ‘Blah’ towards the Blogging. Can’t even say why, but blame it on a derogatory comment about my blog. Time is also to blame. Where in the hell does my time go, really? It get’s robbed, without doubt. Anyhow… when have I allowed a single derogatory comment sway me from things I enjoy doing, like writing. Not! And, most of us always make time to do things we enjoy, right?
All of this is on the mind these days… Blogs to follow!
– Being a Mom; Mother’s Day
– 10 Things to do before I turn 45, or maybe age 50.
– Friends & Facebook
– Back to School
Randoms; None today! Enjoy the weekend = )
Isn’t life just full of the most random moments or thoughts at times? It sure seems like it to me these days. So behind on my blog, so the randoms have racked up!
-Just reviewed my 2012 Goals, and I’m doing good, but not great. Looking to finish the year with a “hell to the yes!”
-Running the Crescent City Classic, with Brock, my 16 year old on April 7th. We are in no way ready. It’s about the experience and time with my son, not our pace or finish.
-Having a blast with Luke, my 11 year old, between baseball and shooting sports. Such a huge heart and drive…. that boy : )
-Signed up for singles tennis, up a level (3.5), and getting my ass handed to me. Understanding these matches are improving my game does not soften the losses.
-When stepping on the scale, I’d like it to read 120lbs. Or maybe I’ll grow 2-3 inches?
-Me and my Kindle are trying to bond. So much I’d like to finish reading. Oh why, do I read several things at once?
-My house has so much cute potential. Hope it ends up looking like an Old Goodwood home, in Baton Rouge.
-Music moves the soul.
-Looking forward to a “no makeup, ponytail, and no bra day”. Soon.
-My family & friends freakin’ ROCK.
-I love a rainy day.
-New high heels are so fun, but when you fall flat to the concrete creating a knee bleed and scar, it’s nothing but embarrasing. Not fun.
-Am I teaching my boys all they need to be amazing husbands and fathers? I hope to hear my future daughter in laws bragging on my boys.
-Should I have a “bucket list?” It would be a long really fun list, if yes.
-Would enjoy a night to inlcude getting ‘all dressed up’, a fancy dinner and theatre tickets. My husband would not enjoy any part of that statement.
-It’s March and I miss Dru Elizabeth beyond measure. Hard to believe she would have been 15 years old, already. Her presence is felt often, and I can imagine the party planning going on in Heaven with our loved ones…. sigh.
-Someone ties cinder blocks to your feet, drops you in the river, you fight and fight to break free, struggle to surface, make it, and catch a big breath…. that’s what grief of a beautiful ‘full of life’ little girl feels like at these milestones. (ok, maybe that was too much shared but it’s real)
-Thank you Lord for giving me courage to keep swimming. I’m so blessed.
Happiness is such a pretty wrapped present, really. I do wish these words below were mine. A cousin gave me this daily meditation book a few years ago. I must say, my attitude the first year reading it was “Sure, yea RIGHT”. Over the past year to year and a half, I read this book thinking, “Absolutely, damn it.” I hold the key to my own happiness. I dance to my own beat. Happiness is mine…. for me to open and enjoy.
Using Others to Stop our Pain.
Our happiness is not a present someone else holds in his or her hands. Our well-being is not held by another to be given or withheld at whim. If we reach out and try to force someone to give us what we believe he or she holds, we will be disappointed. We will discover that it is an illusion. The person didn’t hold it. He or she never shall. That beautifully wrapped box with the ribbon on it that we believed contained our happiness that someone was holding – it’s an illusion!
In those moments when we are trying to reach out and force someone to stop our pain and create our joy, if we can find the courage to stop flailing about and instead stand still and deal with our issues, we will find our happiness.
Yes, it is true that if someone steps on our foot, he or she is hurting us and holds the power to stop our pain by removing his or her foot. But the pain is still ours. And so is the responsibility to tell someone to stop stepping on our feet.
Healing will come when we’re aware of how we attempt to use others to stop our pain and create our happiness. We will heal from our past. We will receive insights that can change the course of our relationships. We will see that, all along, our happiness and our well being have been in our hands. We have held that box. The contents are ours for the opening. (Melody Beattie; The Lauguage of Letting Go)
Randoms; It’s almost February. 2012 Goal Focused. I actually had a dream, which means I actually slept. I want paint on my house.
This is not the post I intended at the first of the year. This is what’s on my mind today… my mom, Cheryl Ann Leblanc Kerek. It’s the week of my mom’s 67th birthday and 3rd anniversary of her death. All in one week, yes. How bittersweet are the memories of my mom’s life.
At 16 years old, a junior in high school, she met my dad who was a 21 year old Marine. They met at Moonlight Inn after a night of ‘jitterbugging’ ; ) My dad was the son of a Hungarian strawberry farmer and hay baler, from the Northshore. My mom was the daughter of a French construction foreman and cabinet maker, family from New Orleans. Both my grandmother’s were total ‘coonass’, a Leblanc from Sorrento and Hebert from Pierre Part, LA. Yes, a Leblanc married a Leblanc.
Oh, how I wish I would have sat for many more hours, listening to the stories of my mom and dad’s dating. She was originally the envy of her friends, as according to her, my dad was the sweetest, most handsome dancer at the Moonlight Inn. Looking back on old pictures, I think my mom was the prettiest brown eyed, brown haired girl. My dad claims those eyes and those legs certainly caught his attention. He said she could follow his moves like no other!
She quickly became the ‘outcast’ at school and put out of the house by my grandparents. At that young 16 years old, she was pregnant for this handsome dancer at Moonlight Inn. Funny, as she didn’t recall how it happened? I will always laugh at the details of the night of conception. Oh my… so naive. By the age of 24, my mom had four children, and was the most devoted wife, mother, and homemaker. I can’t imagine starting a family so young, or working at home.
My mom was the most depressive pessimist I’ve known to date. Truly, on the brightest days, she could find the negative. Her health was never favorable. Not a single day. What a drain this put on our relationship. We talked most days on my way home from work. I can recall many, many times that she hung up on me saying “If I wanted your dad’s answer, I should have called your dad”. Sad.
The talent of this woman was huge. She was the master entertainer. My mom hosted the best parties… good decorations, good food, and great music. She took such pride in baking and cooking good meals, ready each day at 5p sharp! When Michael and I got married, she was in her element. In ways, I think this was the wedding she never experienced. I literally picked out the dress and walked up the aisle of St. Annes Catholic Church. That’s it, cause my Mom did everything else. Her passion for good music was so cool! She loved Saints football when they were the Aints, having fans in brown bags. She sided with the men in the family on most occasions.
The endless love for her children and grandchildren was beyond measure. My mom knew each of my children, and just ‘connected’ with them as individuals. You did not deny her the opportunity to spend time with them, not. Brock and Luke still talk of funny memories of Maw Maw Cheryl. Mom and Dru Elizabeth must be having a grand time in Heaven. I totally see those two socializing away, and her healthy and happy… finally.
Noone making fun of my sock basket. Noone trading leftovers. Noone ‘called me out’ quicker. Noone respected me more for my independence. Noone complimented me more, and showed more pride for a daughter. I see so much of my mom in myself, but feel I’ve ‘broken the mold’ to be more. I do miss those afternoon phone calls. I miss my boys having her here. I will always love my Mom, because of her love for me 🙂